


Two Monks Invent Mr. Darcy

by Bow



Category: AUSTEN Jane - Works, Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen, Two Monks Inventing Things (The Toast)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Yuletide, Yuletide 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:51:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bow/pseuds/Bow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two Monks learn about Mr. Darcy by studying a variety of artistic interpretations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Monks Invent Mr. Darcy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [longwhitecoats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/longwhitecoats/gifts).



**MONK #1:** hey buddy  
what's up?

 **MONK #2:** not much  
just normal monk stuff  
rereading pride and prejudice

 **MONK #1:** funny you should mention  
been meaning to ask you about this for a while

 **MONK #2:** i'm listening hard right now

 **MONK #1:** can you tell me what mr darcy's like?

 **MONK #2:** can i ever!  
he's a little bit tall, a little bit proud, a little bit awkward around strangers  
has 10000 a year  
not much of a dancer  
dark hair  
noble mien

 **MONK #1:** wow, that's a really great description  
totally picturing him right now in my head  
i imagine him looking a little something like this

**MONK #2:** uh oh  
totally wrong

 **MONK #1:** oh dang

 **MONK #2:** darcy is definitely definitely human  
sorry i didn't specify up front but i didn't realize i had to make that explicit

 **MONK #1:** i'm embarrassed that i missed that nuance  
i get it now though

 **MONK #2:** even the costume is from the wrong period

 **MONK #1:** argh

 **MONK #2:** i like the stiffness in his posture and the little brown patch around his eye, but that's pretty much all this has going for it

 **MONK #1:** okay, so human

 **MONK #2:** human for sure

 **MONK #1:** understood  
soooo more like this, maybe?

**MONK #1:** so what do you think  
be honest

 **MONK #2:** hmm, ok  
it's really not bad for your second try

 **MONK #1:** thanks

 **MONK #2:** pretty good actually  
haughty, reserved, fastidious  
well bred yet uninviting manners  
but there's still room for improvement  
for one thing he should be doing way more smoldering

 **MONK #1:** taking notes here

 **MONK #2:** i mean don't forget, darcy is MUCH handsomer than bingley  
who is really not bad to begin with

 **MONK #1:** wow

 **MONK #2:** for another thing his wardrobe is kinda bothering me  
his lapels have three points, like a shark bite  
and his sleeves are all puffed up at the shoulders  
also there's an upsetting cravat situation

 **MONK #1:** i guess darcy probably wouldn't wear that stuff :(

 **MONK #2:** no no don't be discouraged  
i'm really viewing this more as a learning opportunity for you than anything else

 **MONK #1:** i've learned a lot already

 **MONK #2:** i know!  
so maybe give it another shot now  
see what else you can come up with

 **MONK #1:** so we're looking for improved manliness and fashion sense

 **MONK #2:** well...sort of  
let's just see where you go with this

 **MONK #1:** yesssssss  
it's all coming together now  
check this out

**MONK #2:** sooooo i'm torn about this one  
i really appreciate that you're being creative  
and i know i'm the one who suggested more smoldering  
but ultimately i think you've taken it too far

 **MONK #1:** i hate when i overshoot

 **MONK #2:** it's ok  
dial it back some  
think of darcy as a little more stately and sedate  
old-school gentleman cool

 **MONK #1:** the owner of a great estate

 **MONK #2:** exactly!  
we're talking about lady catherine de bourgh's nephew, here

 **MONK #1:** true true

 **MONK #2:** his shirt doesn't just burst open like that. it stays buttoned unless he commands it to

 **MONK #1:** GOT IT  
BOOM

**MONK #2:** …

 **MONK #1:** no?

 **MONK #2:** that's a woman in a bowtie and a newsboy cap pretending to be a robot

 **MONK #1:** it's lizzy dressed as darcybot  
i thought it was kind of clever and meta  
stiff and unfeeling like a robot, if you know what i mean

 **MONK #2:** and i hate to nitpick but her shirt doesn't have any buttons at all

 **MONK #1:** you got me there

 **MONK #2:** i'm just worried it isn't sinking in with you about darcy

 **MONK #1:** sorry  
the 19th century can be pretty tricky

 **MONK #2:** i actually think these are getting worse instead of better

 **MONK #1:** don't give up on me yet  
no more costume theater after this, i promise

 **MONK #2:** maybe you've been overthinking it  
try going in a totally different direction  
shake things up a bit  
i think it might be time for a little mise-en-scène

 **MONK #1:** yeah!

 **MONK #2:** ready? set the stage for me

 **MONK #1:** maybe…he's at the edge of a big lake? 

**MONK #2:** that could work

 **MONK #1:** and he's deciding to jump in to take a swim and cool off his overheated emotions?

 **MONK #2:** not traditional, but keep talking

 **MONK #1:** and he's wearing this white shirt that's pretty much see-through when it gets wet?

 **MONK #2:** wellllllll not sure

 **MONK #1:** coming atcha

**MONK #2:** WHOA  
okay no  
not even remotely like that

 **MONK #1:** geez sorry  
really thought i had it this time

 **MONK #2:** first of all that thing is like 12 feet tall  
darcy is the size of a normal tall human

 **MONK #1:** oh yeah  
i knew that  
i totally knew that

 **MONK #2:** elizabeth would run from this thing faster than she ran from mr collins  
this is a nightmare

 **MONK #1:** shoot  
sorry

 **MONK #2:** and you seem to be having a lot of trouble with the darcy-shirt thing

 **MONK #1:** i'll work on it

 **MONK #2:** i'm juuuuust about to give up and go back to my book  
getting to a really good part  
mr collins is about to propose to a certain bennet sister who's REALLY not interested :) :) :)  
can't wait

 **MONK #1:** okay but just let me try one more time first  
i think i'm about to get the hang of darcy

 **MONK #2:** trying to be supportive

 **MONK #1:** this time i seriously think i've done something constructive with all the feedback

 **MONK #2:** then hit me with your best shot

 **MONK #1:** try this bad boy on for size

**MONK #2:** whoa  
nailed it!

 **MONK #1:** sweet

 **MONK #2:** nice work, buddy  
proper attention to period detail  
handsome  
intelligent  
pride under good regulation  
love the look in his eyes here  
there's a man who's been properly humbled by love  
a masterful portrait

 **MONK #1:** thanks!!!  
couldn't have done it without you 

**MONK #2:** let's call it a team effort

 **MONK #1:** what do i not owe you  
you taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous

 **MONK #2:** dearest, loveliest Monk #1 :)

**Author's Note:**

> Darcys, in order:
> 
> Wishbone (1995, Furst Impressions)  
> Laurence Olivier (1940)  
> Kate Beaton (2008, ["Ooh, Mister Darcy"](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=120))  
> Ashley Clements (2012, Lizzie Bennet Diaries)  
> Giant Fiberglass Statue (2013, <http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/jul/08/mr-darcy-statue-pride-and-prejudice>).  
> Colin Firth (1995)
> 
> Major thanks to idlerat for Darcy idea and beta!


End file.
